From La Piara to Lidl tuna: the ranking of bad brands

From La Piara to Lidl tuna: the catalogue of bad brands

Some muffins bought at Lidl ended up in the dog's bowl. The dog refused them. According to the person who bought them, it was the only food it ever left in its entire life, and that episode was enough to never set foot in that supermarket aisle again. The anecdote sets the exact tone of the list: brands you wouldn't buy even if they were free. It starts with a proper name, La Piara, and runs through foie gras, pâtés, aioli, beer, frozen pizzas, deodorant and even dental floss.

La Piara and its pâtés: the origin of the list

The first complaint goes to La Piara. Its foie gras is described as a disappointing product, and the latest pâté lines as a low-quality assortment that makes you wonder who could possibly eat it. There is no measurement behind it, only the repeated complaint: the same packaging as always with contents that no longer live up to it. It is the pattern that reappears in almost every later case, brands that were one thing and are now another.

Own brands, a battleground: Mercadona, Eroski and the little-hand brand

Here the criticism becomes majority. Hacendado's aioli opens the floodgates; the same label's cola 'tastes like syrup'; the dish soap needs half a bottle to foam, which pushes people back to classic brands because they last much longer. Of Eroski's own brand, it is said that nothing is safe 'from the yoghurts to the detergent'. Nothing new: retailer brands are cheaper and, along the way, someone pays the difference.

But there is no consensus, and that is the interesting part. The so-called little-hand brand, Alcampo's, has defenders. It is argued that its clothing survives washing without losing colour and that its food is up to standard. The most cited example: some sausages that, at half the price, are considered superior to the classic brands in the category, and with no turkey or starch on the label. The debate, at bottom, is not about brands but about which specific product is worth it.

Each chain's flagship product: Alimerka croquettes and bottled gazpacho

Every chain has a skeleton in its closet. Alimerka's croquettes, according to one case, were just béchamel: the chicken on the label was nonexistent and the bite tasted 'like air'. A bottled gazpacho provokes immediate rejection. The pizzas and other Casa Terradellas products are called 'disgusting'. Isabel and Garavilla canned goods, likewise. The list continues with deodorants that stop working after four or five hours and cans of tuna that hide bones 'like spikes'.

Electronics: from DTT adapters to TVs that fail three times

The jump from food to appliances is natural. The DTT adapters piled up in any display are dismissed as 'genuine electronic garbage'. Ikea frying pans and those from a classic cookware brand, too. In TVs, an Acer panel bought for the kitchen was the third in less than two years: always the same fault, always replaced by an identical one that failed again. A phone from a Korean brand spent three months in repair service, after the first one was replaced in the first fifteen days.

Some reduce the diagnosis to a question of range, not brand. A consumer electronics firm collects complaints about its mid-to-low-range products — stereos, hair clippers — while others defend its TVs as unbreakable. The brand would not be the problem; the price tier would be.

Media Markt and the returned-product business

One of the harshest sections points to large electronics retailers. It is claimed that their purchasing policy includes batches rejected at the factory for defects and returned goods that are reconditioned while keeping the manufacturer's warranty. Others play it down: discontinued stock is bought at clearance prices. The practical recommendation repeated is not to take anything that does not come with the original seal intact. One case illustrates it: a 50-inch plasma TV with a shard in the screen, invisible from more than 40 centimetres, which the buyer did not return out of laziness.

Does planned obsolescence exist?

Here the tone changes. An HP printer from the mid-90s is still working, and its owner uses it as proof that the problem is not a design planned to die, but cheap materials. On the other side are those who point to cartridge and toner chips as proof of lock-in, and the price of ink as their best argument. The homemade answer circulates: branded ink, alcohol to adapt the viscosity to the printheads and a couple of attempts until you hit on the mix. It works out cheaper than the official replacement.

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The unsettling closing note does not come from a TV or a cartridge. It comes from a bag of dry kibble from a well-known chain. A poodle weighing 5,7 kilos ate it and lost 2,5 kilos in the process, to the point that its owner antiestéticared losing it. The figure puts priorities in their place. And it leaves the question hanging: if that is sold as complete food, it is worth looking at the label before the price.