My family owes me money and spends it on luxuries
Family members who owe you money while spending on luxuries: abuse or debt? Key signs of the narcissistic pattern and how to regain your financial independence.
English · Original discussion in Spanish · Published
When family owes you money: emotional and financial dependence
Living with parents who have money to splash on whims -300 euros on gifts, 500 on a birthday, a 100,000-euro purchase less than a year ago- while refusing to pay back 3,000 euros you saved is not an isolated case. It is a symptom of a structural problem: the lack of financial independence and the normalization of economic abuse within the family. The affected person, who is unemployed, describes a situation of constant distress: he has to hide his own 30-euro expenses and watches the money in the shared account -on which his mother is an authorized user- vanish into extravagance. The debt is not only financial; it is emotional.
The narcissistic parent pattern and money as control
Comments from people who have been through similar situations point to a specific profile: a narcissistic parent who uses money as a tool of control. The affected person's mother is described as someone who lacks any sense of guilt, triangulates the children and spends freely while claiming to be "really struggling" financially. This behavior, noted by several commenters, is not rare in families with high incomes but little financial literacy. The father, despite having made a 100,000-euro purchase, does not intervene. The lesson that emerges is clear: money lent to relatives with these dynamics is probably lost. The priority must be to cut the dependence.
The dilemma of living with your parents: debt or abuse?
One line of argument holds that, by living with his parents, the affected person owes them something for his stay. However, he himself counters: his grandparents never charged his parents for living with them, and his parents moved out at an older age than his. This generational contrast shows how expectations have changed. Most of the analyses conclude that, in this context, the 3,000-euro debt is the least of the problems. The urgent thing is to find a stable job and move out, even if that means writing off the loss. Opening a separate bank account -for example, at an online bank like Openbank- is presented as a practical first step to protect future savings.
The unanswered question is how to break the cycle when the affected person has no job or resources. The story of a brother who took his own life, mentioned in the thread, highlights the extreme consequences of this kind of abuse. Meanwhile, the unanimous advice is to consider the money lost, not play their game and focus on independence. As one participant concludes: "Get out of that house, fly high and far, don't look back".
Related forum discussions
Living with parents who have money to splash on whims -300 euros on gifts, 500 on a birthday, a 100,000-euro purchase less than a year ago- while refusing to pay back 3,000 euros you saved is not an isolated case. It is a symptom of a structural problem: the lack of financial independence and the normalization of economic abuse within the family. The affected person, who is unemployed, describes a situation of constant distress: he has to hide his own 30-euro expenses and watches the money in the shared account -on which his mother is an authorized user- vanish into extravagance. The debt is not only financial; it is emotional.
The narcissistic parent pattern and money as control
Comments from people who have been through similar situations point to a specific profile: a narcissistic parent who uses money as a tool of control. The affected person's mother is described as someone who lacks any sense of guilt, triangulates the children and spends freely while claiming to be "really struggling" financially. This behavior, noted by several commenters, is not rare in families with high incomes but little financial literacy. The father, despite having made a 100,000-euro purchase, does not intervene. The lesson that emerges is clear: money lent to relatives with these dynamics is probably lost. The priority must be to cut the dependence.
The dilemma of living with your parents: debt or abuse?
One line of argument holds that, by living with his parents, the affected person owes them something for his stay. However, he himself counters: his grandparents never charged his parents for living with them, and his parents moved out at an older age than his. This generational contrast shows how expectations have changed. Most of the analyses conclude that, in this context, the 3,000-euro debt is the least of the problems. The urgent thing is to find a stable job and move out, even if that means writing off the loss. Opening a separate bank account -for example, at an online bank like Openbank- is presented as a practical first step to protect future savings.
The unanswered question is how to break the cycle when the affected person has no job or resources. The story of a brother who took his own life, mentioned in the thread, highlights the extreme consequences of this kind of abuse. Meanwhile, the unanimous advice is to consider the money lost, not play their game and focus on independence. As one participant concludes: "Get out of that house, fly high and far, don't look back".
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Summary of a discussion on Burbuja.info - Foro de economía, actualidad y política., translated from Spanish and reviewed before publication. Read the full discussion (19 replies).
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